


out of love

by berrybang



Series: you're the reason why i believe in ghosts [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Song fic, break up :((, i haven't experienced any breakups myself but, idk - Freeform, insipired by out of love by alessia cara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-12 18:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrybang/pseuds/berrybang
Summary: It feels dark. Darker than it's supposed to be, and Chan feels like he's sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool, filled by his own dread. He doesn't know why he poses the question, "Can I ask?"Felix looks like he's in his own pool of dread once he nods. Chan takes a deep breath, "When did you fall out of love with me?"





	out of love

It starts with falling in love, like dominoes. The first domino was Chan realizing that maybe he enjoyed Felix's company a bit too much maybe, then the last one is this. Chan sitting in his own pool of dread, wondering 'What's the pain in loving me?'

Sadly enough, Chan expected this. Everyone leaves at one point or another, and it was inevitable that Felix would too. The distance he put between them, the way Felix would avoid Chan like the plague, it makes Chan sadly smile. He's just sorry that Felix felt like he couldn't say it to Chan's face. Chan knows Felix is way too nice to say 'I don't love you anymore'.

Chan doesn't want to bring it up either, to be fair. He doesn't want to say he feels lonely or that he wants Felix to hold him - that's just too cruel. To both of them, honestly. Felix engulfing all his senses would make him cry, anyway. Felix can touch him but it won't mend him again. No matter what he does Felix can't force his heart to beat around Chan, and even if it stings and hurts like hell, it's okay. He can't make him love him, who would love Chan?

It's sad, he can't fill up the Felix shaped hole in his heart. He can't ask him to stay either, because that's pointless - Felix's feelings have already disappeared. He can't cry, it'll only be in vain. But he still badly wants to cry, to sit in his own pool of sadness and cry his eyes out. He can't lie that it doesn't hurt nor sting, this feeling inside of him. The nod of acknowledgement that Felix doesn't love him anymore, he knows it and he's accepted it already but somehow it manages to hurt more and more. It feels like wires wrapped around his chest, preventing him to breathe properly.

He knows, but why does it hurt? Why does all of this hurt so bad? Even now, looking into Felix's eyes, knowing he's probably going to break up with him right now.

"I'm sorry," Felix's deep voice booms but Chan manages to drown out the small 'But I think we should... end whatever we have right now'. He promised to himself he wouldn't cry when this moment came but Chan's just human. He hides his face out of embarrassment once the tears start flowing, and he doesn't know if Felix can hear him when he says, "I knew this was going to happen."

"I'm sorry, Chan," He peaks through his fingers and sees him. Felix does look sorry, he'll give him that, but he doesn't want to hear it. Cutting him off, he says, "But you don't love me anymore. I know, it's okay."

Silence fills the room as Chan removes his hands slowly, it feels dark. Darker than it's supposed to be, and Chan feels like he's sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool, filled by his own dread. He doesn't know why he poses the question, "Can I ask?"

Felix looks like he's in his own pool of dread once he nods. Chan takes a deep breath, "When did you fall out of love with me?"

"Chan.." Felix's face looks worried, but he doesn't want him to. Chan shakes his head and groans as he cranes his head back, "Actually no, you're so full of love and compassion... it's just, when did you ran out of love to give? For me? Fuck, why was it me?"

"Chan," Felix leans over the table and Chan's chair makes a crude noise as he backs away. "Please don't hold me." 

He feels bad, Felix looks hurt. But if Felix holds him, it'll make him even more vulnerable and sensitive in the current situation and that can't happen. He won't allow it. "I'm sorry," Felix says as he falls back into his chair again.

"Don't be," Chan bitterly smiles. It's a sick attempt at try to fake happiness but the hurt in his eyes and the puffiness of his face speaks for itself. "But can you please just.. tell me that? When did you fall out of love with me?.. Maybe it'll help me sleep longer. I don't know."

Felix looks away, he doesn't look like he wants to be here with Chan. Well, he usually doesn't look like he wants to be with Chan as of late, but this time he looks like he's filled to the brim with dread. "It wasn't a thing you did. It was just over time... I noticed that I didn't feel the same way, and that it wasn't like how it was when we first started dating."

Chan nods, more tears threatening to spill and he quickly wipes them away, hoping Felix didn't see it. He looks at Chan again and god, it fucking  _hurts._ "I know you and I have both heard this a million times but Chan, it really isn't you. It's me. I don't know why it happened, because you're still a wonderful, amazing person - and I still love you, platonically. I care about you as a human being and I don't want this to stop us from being good friends."

Have you ever thought about how people always say that you should just block out negative words? The same way Chan blocks out the click of the door as Felix gets up and leaves, the same way Chan blocks out every positive word Felix has said so far. It rings in his head, the way Felix says 'good friends'.

He can say that it's him all he wants, but actions speak more than words, don't they? Someone so filled with love like Felix can't even love Chan. It's the only thing left in this room, besides the broken husk of Bang Chan.

 


End file.
